To All The Boys I've Loved Before...

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Lara Jean Song Covey and Peter Kavinsky. The love story we all want. Seriously, if you're like me and single, don't fall madly in love with these books/film because you'll never be able to love again unless it's a Covinsky kind of love. I read all three books in less than a week because I couldn't put them down after seeing the film. I really wish I had waited until I'd read them before watching, but how was I supposed to know my heart was gonna be caught like that? Damn Covey, you're a player. 

Both Peter and Lara Jean drive me up the wall at times. I want to just grab their silly little attractive faces and tell them to get it together because they belong together. But let's just talk about what's really important here... Whether you prefer the books, or the film, one thing we can all agree on this.
You gonna break my heart, Covey?
When someones been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But it's like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and then you're just clutching air and grit.
Love is scary: It changes; it can go away. That's part of the risk. I don't want to be scared anymore.
Do you think there's a difference? Between belonging with and belonging to? 
You just gotta hold your head up high and act like you don't give a shit. 
There is a super fine line between loving someone and being in love with someone, and it's not easy to tell them apart. You might think you're in love, go around shouting about it for everyone to hear, but it's not until you've separated yourself from that person and time has passed that you realise it was more infatuation than the real Romeo - Juliet kind of love you once thought it was. It's a really strong emotion, and to have experienced it even slightly is... a lot.
I really don't think I can sit here and count the times I've been in love because each love is so different and I'm not someone who willingly talks about feelings and stuff like that, so I'll spare you the details and cut to the point.

So, inspired by Lara Jean and her love letters, here is my own letter, to the ones who know.

Dear you,
There was a time in my life when I really thought I loved you. Turns out, I loved the idea of you and I loved spending time with you. We hung out all the time and you were the one I knew I could go to all the 'lame movies' my friends would never go see with. You made me feel comfortable and safe and that was all I wanted, I didn't realise there was something wrong until you started making me feel like there was. It's not fair to put so much pressure on one person and make them feel like they can't do anything right. I hope that by losing 'us', you realised that, and whoever was/is next will be treated the way she wants to be.

Dear you,
You were always making me so proud. I remember standing there looking up at you and thinking 'woah'. That was cool. It was like we had our own secret and nobody else in this room was admiring you in the same way I was. You were my first relationship that bought out my jealous side and I guess it's because it was the first time I knew I had something to lose. Pretty cool if you think about it like that. In the end, I pushed you away because of it (not cool), and I ended up breaking what we had so easily. You showed me how fragile feelings are.

Dear you,
I don't even know where to begin with you. I know now that I never did love you. How could I have loved someone who treated me the way you did. Everything about you and our relationship was fake. Although I'm glad to have gone through it, we had some good times, but it's better now that it's over. I don't want to be with someone who makes out that loving me is hard, that being with someone like me is too much effort. I think maybe the problem was that we were in different stages of our life, you who was older than me just had some growing up to do. Hope you managed that during the time I spent in bed crying over how horrible a person you made me believe I was.


listening to: you mean the world to me - freya ridings, poetic - seinabo sey, capital letters - hailee steinfeld (because of to all the boys film)